06 June 2017

I REFUSE TO REMAIN SILENT

I'm a child sexual abused survivor. It was happened when I was almost 5 by a young adult male neighbor. I told what happened to my mom but she didn't believe it. It broke my heart and I promised I won't ever share same story to anyone anymore until it happened again for 3 years by my own grandma when I was 8 to 11. She did 'fingering' for almost every week. From there, I was never be the same...

I kept those traumas for more than 30 years. Never realize that those traumas damaged almost all my life. I fell into many date rape for wrong thought that love came from sexual activities I could provide. I thought I could get my bias true love valuing & seeking by 'providing' sex while I 'carry' this trust issue as the most important symptom of my trauma. Some saddest things happened during I carrying “the ghost of traumas”, got divorced twice with harmful domestic violence experience at the second marriage also pushed me into more worse tragedies. I fell into many self hurting actions including tried to do twice suicides by consuming more than 20 sleeping pills! Last thing I know I was ended in an intensive care unit of a local hospital. What dark times of blood and tears..... LUCKY I'm blessed with 2 amazing daughters from those marriages. Now they are 18 and 12. These wonderful kids made me believe that I have to get my life back.

I realize I have to stand up and speak up for my own good and of course my kids shake. In 2006, during my last divorced process I decided to see a psychiatrist to start a medical therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD (at the beginning I was even diagnosed with bipolar until I told her my story & she noticed my progress). I kept my medical treatment and ended up with joined a support group. Sharing my story there makes me even stronger time to time. From 2009 I started my own sweet revenge by doing anti-sexual abuse and women's rights campaigns trough poetry books I wrote and studying like a 'hungry' college student about human right, women's right, gender base violations and actively involve in many public lectures, discussions, seminars, some public dialog etc. every time, everywhere I can reach because I was so poor at that time after the second marriage. I couldn't even pay my kids school fee and we lived in very sad condition BUT we studied hard with our own way at that time until some friends and connection who noticed our struggle and know my story offer some chances to have jobs contracts to do some works in local and international organizations as on call part time worker to let me learn a lot and also let me and my kids live in, well not rich but enough.

Time goes by, and it's like a dream that now I'm standing at many podiums for seminars, public dialog, discussions and public lectures not as a hungry student who gave questions but as a public speaker, mass-media interviews and talk shows (local & international medias: TV, online news media, newspapers, magazines & radios) and even as a guess lecture, focusing on sexual abuse issue and gender based violations history related to gender equality. I also assist and set up a support group for survivors of sexual violence and a research working group for anti political rights rapes campaigns once. Actively involved in strong rallies those against violence, also keep writing poetry & short stories. A very good release when I'm attacked by my trauma symptoms those can be there every time I fall into depression, and It can come again and again. I realize that sexual abuse healing process is a lifetime process and I won't ever deny that I'm still a learner who keep my fight for my own good and for others who I believe can get out from their violations conditions. HOPE makes everything possible. We never fail until we leave our fights.

9 comments:

  1. Conratulation Sister Greeting From me Agung Sriyono ( journalist@ suara bahana ) Facebook : suara bahana ph 02171254543 or 085282658156 , agungs09.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Keep struggling, dear Helga
    most sane women are behind you to support you :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've read this more than twice, but I still cry when I try to read it again. I believe that if god really exist, it wouldn't happen to you or to other women in this world.... :(( :(( :((

    ReplyDelete
  4. you are not alone, said one song :D
    keep on with what you're fighting for, deer. love u ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. terimakasih, peluuuuk....love u more!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Keep Strong and keep fight!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. dear Helga, keep on with what you are fighting fo. You know Lord Jesus always be with you. Love and hugs xx (Beppy)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can feel what you feel Mbak Helga...since i also experienced what you did as well...what I know and believe is that it's not easy to erase those bad memories...somehow...time really heals...no matter it takes...at least, you, others who experienced that abuse and I are still surviving to be strong and let our heads up...let's hold hands together and put them up and say...We are strong....Yes...Because we are...thank you Mbak Helga for your sharing with us...it's really inspiring us...God love you and bless you always.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you very much for reading, hopefully useful and serve as a lesson to us all. I still continue to fight against the effects of trauma and continue to learn about the issue of sexual violence, for the sake of the future and a better environment

    ReplyDelete